barbara walters just said penis...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
