I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
