i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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