what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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