I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
