All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
