Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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