mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
