I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
