Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
