NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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