when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
