she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
