Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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