I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
