I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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