His hands were made for my vagina.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
