On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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