lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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