Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
