They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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