Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
