i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
