like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
