please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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