i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
