I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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