I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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