I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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