I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i love accidental penises.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
