I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
