that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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