Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
