paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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