Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
