I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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