About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
