Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
