Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
