Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
