Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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