matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How external is "for external use only"?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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