It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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