guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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