Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
