I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
