he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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