he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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