you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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