Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
